Working It Out...Post Op!

I am not a good sick person. Oh sure initially after an operation I am pretty bed bound. But once I start to feel just the slightest bit better...it's Go Gadget Go! I get stir crazy. I over book. I want to move around, I want to swim and surf and hang upside down!!! 6 weeks after my surgery I started back with Pilates privates, only one day a week. I know my instructor went super easy on me and even then it was hard, but I felt great. I felt strong. I even managed to do a little shopping after and pick up dinner for my husband. On the drive home I called a friend and made plans to go to aerial yoga that weekend and pole the following week as well. I was back! After dinner at 7:30pm I passed out - I didn't wake up until 11am the next day and I woke up in pain.

Maybe I needed to rethink this whole healing process.

So just how does one ease back into to their life after an operation? Even though our mind may be ready our bodies may not be quite there yet. Specifically how does one build up the strength and courage to go back to work as well as working out? And once we are "back" how can we find a better balance between work and life so we don't find ourself in the space that may have put us there in the first place?

I am not sure. But for me it started with the doctor taking so long to give me the OK to return to work, exercise, sex, driving etc. Mine wanted me to take it slow - pfffft - take more time for myself, just relax. What he didn't realise is that work and exercise and running around IS me. Maybe it should be less of me, maybe it could be me at a slightly less frenetic pace. I can work on that.

I was planning on going back to work the next Monday. I pushed it to Thursday and even then I left early for a week. I decided to take advantage of my companies summer hours and take the free "every other Friday off". I have decided to not be a workaholic. The company didn't die when I left, they missed me sure, but everything kept moving. I went back to Pilates - only Pilates and made a promise to myself that I would get through 5 weeks of privates before even attempting any pole or tissu classes. I am slowly incorporating aerial yoga back into my life. I made a promise to myself to spend more time with my husband, myself and my dog. I am going to the beach God dammit and yes, for the time being I am leaving my surf board at home. I'm writing in my blog and catching up with friends that I haven't seen in a while. I am doing all of this slowly and while it is a speed I am not used to, it is a speed that doesn't hurt.

It's amazing to me that it took a 3rd major surgery for me to actually take some time off from work, to slow down. Why do we do this to ourselves? What is the point of packing in all of these activities if we can't really enjoy them? It literally took my body collapsing to slow down and enjoy life. So many women and men feel the need to have it all,  maybe it's really about slowing down and enjoying what you have. So much of Pilates is about breath. Maybe we all need to take a little more time to breathe. It's something for me to think about as I am working it out.


A Slower Brave New World

Faster Pussycat, that's right I am all about speed. I'm a fast chick. I have fast friends. I have a fast job. I love fast. I love adrenaline. I love speed. I always want to fly - higher and faster. I am the strong, fast, brave one of our group. I was so looking forward to this summer. I had so many great plans in store: surfing (damn it I will get better at this), aerial arts, stretch classes,  pole classes,  aerial yoga teacher training...

CRASH.... - I get sick, really sick, scary I'm not sure if I am going to make it through this sick, hoping it's not ovarian cancer sick, write love letters to my husband, family and friends just in case sick, cut you out of my life if you aren't really an intricate part of it because I no longer have enough time sick. Everything in my world starts to move really fast - and suddenly fast is bad. Tests and more tests, rushed tests, poking, blood work, more blood work - please stop poking me, no more probing my insides with out buying me a drink first dammit! I am no longer strong or brave, I am just tired.

Good news "we are pretty sure it's not cancer".  Bad news " it still has to come out, it's gonna be a tricky operation and we might have to take out the other as well depending on what it looks like once we get in". Crap losing one ovary is bad enough - but both? I am too young for this crap. There are too many female/mental/sexual repercussions I don't even want to begin thinking about, not to mention I have already had a hysterectomy - this will be my 3rd major surgery dealing with reproductive BS - I am woman hear me roar - ENOUGH already. I need a break.

Operation is over and I survive - cancer free. Now the tricky part about all of this is how do I heal? I am not a good sick person. I get stir crazy - I push too hard. I want to be better now but I'm not - and while I kept an ovary (thank you lefty!) how do I deal with the changes, because unfortunately things are different - I can feel them.  I have weird night sweating moments that wake me up.  Maybe it's the Vicodin but I fear its my body trying to get used to its new lower hormone levels. The weight loss - 10 pounds in two weeks so far, this is a cool side effect, all of the scar tissue removal and removing the cyst is great but is the weight loss fat or muscle?  Am I gonna be weak once I get back in the saddle? I was always strong, I don't want to be weak. And what about getting back in the saddle? Sex is a scary thought right now, as is any other physical activity harder than walking to my bathroom. When am I going to be able to do all the stuff I love.

They say you don't really experience life until your 40's...I guess I am there.

I ask my friends what the hell am I going to do for the next 8 weeks?  They all say SLOW DOWN and just get better. Easier said than done.

One smart, close friend says "why not write a blog - keep track of your recovery and your new journey?".

So I will, I do - slowly.