Chasing our dreams while keeping our sanity, just how does one do this? I wish I had the definitive answer – but I don’t. What I do know is that the older I get the more important it is for me to do, or at least try a good deal of the things that excite me or make me happy. The trick is finding and creating a balance between the life of Veruca budding aerialist and overall super chica & LW the tv exec with a hefty mortgage. Which path to take, can't I take a little bit of both? Just how do we balance and respect all aspects of ourselves?
My day job is one of numbers, gains and losses, immense planning and looking at the reality of what is doable. This has a tendency to creep over into my non-work life. Not a bad thing by any means but it does make it hard to just “go for it” when it comes to certain decisions. There is something I have wanted to do for a really long time now and the opportunity has all of a sudden fallen into my lap, as if it was kismet but I find that I am stuck. It’s like my body is in quicksand and while I am not quite sinking, I am not quite moving forward and I am not quite sure why.
I ‘ve been thinking about this hard for the past two weeks and let me tell you it has been a long 2 weeks. I have neglected my health, caught a nasty bug and have been pretty much down for the count, ignored my blog, dog, husband and friends and pretty much been stuck in bed. Stuck in bed planning and spread sheeting and researching and talking about and running numbers for and visualizing and weighing out the pluses and minuses of the reality of making a tiny little bit of Veruca’s dream a reality. Everything but actually doing. And it is a hard decision to come to – go for it or not. It’s making me insane because I really don’t like to fail. I would rather bail than fail, I like certainties. Clearly I have control issues, I know this about myself. I like to be able to control a situation but sometimes all of the research and preparation and planning cannot stop something from failing or make something work. My sanity is suffering because I don’t know which way to go.
That being the case I guess the real question is how much risk am I willing to take and what really constitutes a failure? While I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot financially, hopefully I have done enough research and planning to somewhat alleviate any major financial issues that may come up and honestly in the end it’s only money. The bigger issue is if I “fail” will it stop me from attempting things in the future. Will I close up to new ideas and ventures and play it safe? I hope not. I have spoken with numerous friends, advisors and the like and they all say, “cool, awesome, great idea, great plan” but I am still at odds. The fear of failure is strong. I think the only way for me to move past it is to reevaluate my definition of that fear.
Going forward my new attitude will be that true failure is in not trying, not going for it, not attempting to enter or create that brave new world. I’m not saying we should all rush out, quit our jobs, move to Guam and make pottery. I do think however we should research, consider and find ways to embrace our dreams, find a way to incorporate them into our lives, find a way to be true to all of the individual facets that make up our selves; the wife, the daughter, the executive, the budding aerialist, the young gymnast, the girl who wanted to be an astronaut, the dreamer and even the realist.
Looking back at the past two weeks it hit me, I would rather attempt my dreams than wake up one day and realize all my dreams were over before they even started, so why not just try? So, much like Alice, I have decided to jump and take a tumble-down the rabbit hole, maybe not head first, most definitely with my day job intact, most likely with an escape route planned but I’m still going to try really hard to kick my fear of flight.