A Slower Brave New World

Faster Pussycat, that's right I am all about speed. I'm a fast chick. I have fast friends. I have a fast job. I love fast. I love adrenaline. I love speed. I always want to fly - higher and faster. I am the strong, fast, brave one of our group. I was so looking forward to this summer. I had so many great plans in store: surfing (damn it I will get better at this), aerial arts, stretch classes,  pole classes,  aerial yoga teacher training...

CRASH.... - I get sick, really sick, scary I'm not sure if I am going to make it through this sick, hoping it's not ovarian cancer sick, write love letters to my husband, family and friends just in case sick, cut you out of my life if you aren't really an intricate part of it because I no longer have enough time sick. Everything in my world starts to move really fast - and suddenly fast is bad. Tests and more tests, rushed tests, poking, blood work, more blood work - please stop poking me, no more probing my insides with out buying me a drink first dammit! I am no longer strong or brave, I am just tired.

Good news "we are pretty sure it's not cancer".  Bad news " it still has to come out, it's gonna be a tricky operation and we might have to take out the other as well depending on what it looks like once we get in". Crap losing one ovary is bad enough - but both? I am too young for this crap. There are too many female/mental/sexual repercussions I don't even want to begin thinking about, not to mention I have already had a hysterectomy - this will be my 3rd major surgery dealing with reproductive BS - I am woman hear me roar - ENOUGH already. I need a break.

Operation is over and I survive - cancer free. Now the tricky part about all of this is how do I heal? I am not a good sick person. I get stir crazy - I push too hard. I want to be better now but I'm not - and while I kept an ovary (thank you lefty!) how do I deal with the changes, because unfortunately things are different - I can feel them.  I have weird night sweating moments that wake me up.  Maybe it's the Vicodin but I fear its my body trying to get used to its new lower hormone levels. The weight loss - 10 pounds in two weeks so far, this is a cool side effect, all of the scar tissue removal and removing the cyst is great but is the weight loss fat or muscle?  Am I gonna be weak once I get back in the saddle? I was always strong, I don't want to be weak. And what about getting back in the saddle? Sex is a scary thought right now, as is any other physical activity harder than walking to my bathroom. When am I going to be able to do all the stuff I love.

They say you don't really experience life until your 40's...I guess I am there.

I ask my friends what the hell am I going to do for the next 8 weeks?  They all say SLOW DOWN and just get better. Easier said than done.

One smart, close friend says "why not write a blog - keep track of your recovery and your new journey?".

So I will, I do - slowly.

 

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